Queerburners Blog Site

It was my virgin year as well in ’09, but I was on a mission. Not to get laid, not to get wasted till I puked my guts out and slept for three days, and definitely not to go on any sort of drug induced mind trip. Not at all. I was hesitant about even going in the first place and kept thinking, maybe next year I’ll go instead. Something, somewhere, in the inner ear canal to my subconscious mind, I was told I needed to go. No explanation, no reason, not at this time. There was a purpose, but I need not to know at that point. I bought my ticket.

When it arrived, I got my Atomic Fireball and was told the story behind them being in the envelope. I stared at the ticket for days and kept asking myself, why do I NEED to go? I understand needing to go to the doctor, the dentist, the auto shop, the grocery store, work, home….but Burning Man? Sure I had gone to a number of regional events at that point and wanted to go to Burning Man, but that question kept coming up. Why do I NEED to go?

Fast forward to mid February ’09. I was at Disneyland for my birthday weekend with some other friends who were also celebrating their birthdays too. My buddy Glynn met me at the park on Saturday with a biggo butch brutha hug, then looked me in the eyes with sorrow and concern. “Kasey isn’t doing so good”. Glynn told me about the procedures she went through, and they found out that Kasey was in stage 4 of stomach cancer. My heart sank. That night in the hotel room, I quietly asked if this is what I needed to go to Burning Man for? No reply. I didn’t make sense. When I used to tell Kasey about Burning Man, she was just not interested. It wasn’t her thing. I still didn’t get it.

Glynn and another friend Margo had kept me updated on Kasey. She was in Sacramento and I’m in Las Vegas, so I couldn’t just go see her whenever. Texts and phone calls two or three times a day. I was becoming deeply saddened over all of this because, well, Kasey and I had gotten into an argument a while back and I quit talking to her. I was angry at the situation and because I didn’t get my way, I just stopped talking to her. My pride got in the way of our friendship.

A month later, I got the phone call from Glynn. That one that no one wants to get. Even if Glynn had left a message, I still would have had to call back and hear those two words “Kasey’s gone” on the other end of the phone.

Weeks later, I traveled to LA for one of Kasey’s memorial services. She loved pink, and we all wore pink somewhere on us that entire weekend. She also loved glitter and we glittered each other all weekend as well. Pink and glittery anything. That Saturday night we were all in Margo’s backyard making S’mores and remembering Kasey, I looked up and saw the moon. I had to get everyone together to see this. We all stood there, holding each other and crying. This is what we saw.

Amazing isn’t it? Kasey was smiling at us. We could feel her there with us.

Once again, I was left with the question of why do I NEED to go to Burning Man. Then it was all made very clear to me. I had to do something to let her know how sorry I was for being an asshole. My lesson was learned. I got it.  (While Kasey was in the hospital, I couldn’t talk to her on the phone. I sent Glynn and Margo messages to let Kasey know that I was sorry for what I did and even though they gave her the messages, I was told that she just smiled.)

My mission was very clear to me, and after much thought I decided what I was going to do. I made a pink mailbox, with pictures of Kasey and little pink hearts all over it, gave all of Kasey’s friends and family our address at Burning Man and told them to write Kasey a letter and I will put it in her mailbox. On Saturday at Burning Man, I will dress up like Hermes and deliver Kasey’s mailbox with all the letters in them to the Temple. That was my plan. THAT was my mission.

It didn’t take me long to make the mailbox and I had arranged for Margo to send Boots (a pink sock monkey that travels around the country in honor of Kasey) to me at Burning Man.

That Saturday afternoon at Burning Man, Toaster, Malicious, Cameron and myself (with Boots in tow of course) hopped on The Neighbors Dog and drove out to the Temple with Kasey’s mailbox.

I didn’t get a chance to dress up like Hermes, but I guess it was the thought that counted. Anyways, we drove out to the Temple and as we got there and started walking up to the Temple, a man on a bike from The Post Office came up to us. “Kasey Kirby?” We all turned around with the mailbox in my arms to acknowledge him. He told us that he was at our village and they told him that we were on our way to deliver the mailbox. My heart sank. This guy rode his bike from 7:00 and Esplanade to the Temple to deliver a letter to Kasey! We all looked amazed that someone did this, not knowing anything of this journey. I asked him to put it in the mailbox and we thanked him as he went on his way. As we all walked inside the Temple, I was taken back by everything I saw and felt. I couldn’t even begin to describe how I felt other than sorrow. We went upstairs and found a spot for Kasey’s mailbox. Toaster placed it in the Temple for me because, well, I’m short. 🙂

At the Temple burn, I said my good bye’s to Kasey, told her again how sorry I was. I wasn’t asking for any kind of forgiveness, I just wanted her to know that I was sorry for everything. Since then, when I think of her and start to cry, I get this feeling of….it’s ok….over me. I still carry this burden with me every day that I didn’t talk to her and say good bye, and I will for the rest of my life….until we meet again.

So, @Craig inspired me to write a quick post. I am also managing to avoid doing some work I reallllllly need to be doing.

I drove to Burning Man with @ButchPirate (another member of this site) and it was a great trip. We arrived in Gerlach by mid day on Sunday, bound for the front gate. To our shock (2 newbs) we were unable to get in even though we were part of a planned Village. No problem, we planned for plan b, because I had a 5 gallon Home Depot jug filled with crappy orange drink and crappy vodka ready to share.

Before I go another step further, let me tell you I did a lot of reading and prep before my trip. I may have done too much, but one of the best resources was Tales of the Playa by OhTony which I have posted on this site below. There are 4 parts you must see.

Burner: Tales from the Playa – Part One from Tony Edwards on Vimeo.

Basically he said, go with no expectations. When @Craig (new member on GB) wrote “I made a decision before driving up that I would spend a week not judging anyone, about anything. Everyone I met was the same, be it man or woman” I thought to myself, yes. Yes, that takes it even a step further.

I did not expect sex. I eliminated expectations of partying and how people would embrace or deny me. I eliminated almost every expectation except one!!!! The one that bit me in the ass!

So, I digress. We arrived at the gate too early, so we drove back to Gerlach and spotted a lonely cowboy kicking back at a van and he told us his story. He voice was rough like broken glass and his style was cowboy rockstar who just finished his first joint. We parked close by and pulled out the 5 gallon Home Depot jug filled with crappy orange drink and crappy vodka. Gradually people started gathering more and more and we were dishing out every drop of rot gut we had. My co-host Butch Pirate was awesome.

5 minutes to midnight we jumped in and drove 9 miles to the front gate, arriving in line at 12:02 am Monday morning. I saw purple l.e.d.s arching through the sky. We made dirt angels when they discovered we were virgins. We were warned about narcs and being good citizens. We were thrilled….

On the way in, 100 meters to the left was a shuttle craft from the Starship Enterprise* ghosting us on the way in. Camp was easy to find. We were part of Sin City Village at 7:00 and Esplanade. 1:05 am we arrived and Butch went to set up her camp while I wandered into our dark village to see what was going on.

Part of our camp was Party Naked Tiki Bar. It was also dark, but a Las Vegas community member was sitting there clothed and in a cape talking to a tall, lean, and albeit sexy hippie boy who was called Faun. Faun was naked and drunk and the first person I saw upon arrival. I was drawn to Faun and their was an unmistakable reaction to my interest in this sexy hippie. Ten minutes later we were getting to know each other very well in the back of my car.

Thank you Burning Man.

I spent so much time on Bam Bam’s art car; a mobile strip club with neon carpets and padding with black light. I rolled my balls off at Opulent Temple and found wonderful things at Comfort and Joy. Every day was a social and visual thrill, both arousing and stimulating, at Center Camp with my daily coffee. Every night was a new adventure, dancing, staying with my community and meeting so many more people.

What was funny was running into people by chance I knew even in that whirlwind. Seeing my Utah homies at Basecamp, meeting DaBomb at center camp from L.A. Burners, running into other Vegas burners in the middle of the dirt by chance who I had no idea were there at all. There is magic out there.

My only expectation that went unfulfilled and left me a little wounded was… the dream of finding that someone special out there; an emotional connection of a different kind of magic. I thought I found it in the eyes of at least 3 guys here and there. Alas, no. But I would not change a single passing moment. It was perfect for my first time being out there.

*The shuttle craft turned out to be driven by people who are now friends and who had moved to Vegas in the last year. LadyMurv and Leslie (I don’t know his playa name) are now friends here in Vegas and I got a huge laugh when we realized that they were the first art car I saw upon my arrival.

Footnote: it turned out not to be a quick post… I encourage anyone who wants to to let me know they want to write something too like this!