Heads up for BM

y’ll try to steal some key piece of decor from your bar. Also, they’ll try to trade you a handful of painted bottle caps for a dose of E.

• The Bad Couple: Fights all the time. Fucks the rest of the time. One or both of them may try to seduce you; it’s not worth it.

• The Barfly: If you have a bar, this person will keep people coming back to it, night after night. Always willing to spell you at bartending, always there when you need a smoke, always drunk enough to find everyone fascinating, will dance to any music, laugh at any joke, applaud any story. Will probably sleep on the couch even if their tent is ten feet away. This person is your bar’s heartbeat.

• The Burnier-than-thou: similar to the Jaded Old-school Burner, except this is their third year. Don’t try to tell these people awesome stories of your adventures… They’ve seen it before, and anyway you did it wrong.

• The Camp Bitch: Would really have been happier staying at a nice hotel in Reno… but then they wouldn’t have lazy filthy campmates to complain about! They can’t believe what giant slobs everyone else is. Will moan incessantly about how no one else wants to wash the dishes. If you’re burning with more than two other people, you have at least one of these in your crew. If you don’t know who it is, maybe it’s you!

• The Center-camp Hanger-outer: Hangs out at Center camp the whole time. By the end of the week, they’ll have spent more money on iced-coffee drinks than you spent on gas. PRO TIP: Center camp is lame.

• The Creepy Date-rapist: Always has plenty of drugs.

• The Creepy Photo Guy: Self-explanatory. Never asks for permission. Often found lurking in center camp or anywhere else women congregate. Refuses to make eye contact. Angry when confronted.

• The Cruise Director: Has read the guide. Knows what day it is. Eats spectacular meals in a different place every night. Easily spotted by the addresses written on their arms. If you want to go to bed early, spend the day with this person; by sunset you’ll be exhausted.

• The Dirt Hippie: wears earth tones, asymmetrical clothing, often in layers. Bare feet. Real dreads, not fake ones. Strong smell of b.o. and sometimes patchouli. Often sighted at yoga camps, sound healing domes and center camp, showing off their contact-improv-partner-acroYoga.

• The Engineer: On the up side, they’ll do all the work and keep your camp functioning. On the down side, they’ll never let you forget that they do all the work and keep your camp functioning. Try to get them laid.

• The First-timer Whose Mind is Completely Blown the Whole Fucking time: Depending on your point of view, these people can be deeply inspiring, or even more annoying than the Jaded Old-schoolers. Usually they take too many drugs and have at least one nervous breakdown.

• The Fish-to-water: It’s their first year, but they wear the playa like Jessica Rabbit wears an evening gown. Fearless, self-deprecating, and utterly charming. Makes even Jaded Old-schoolers smile. Make them your camp ambassador.

• The Font of Swag: Exact opposite of the Acquisitor. Each morning they’ll fill their bag with homemade junk, and won’t return to camp until they’ve “gifted” away all their garbage.

• The Jaded Old-school Burner: Never shuts up about how much BM sucks now… but still comes! You won’t see much of these guys, though, because they never leave their camp.

• The New Age Pussy Hound: Man of any age, but often 35+, sometimes with a eurotrash accent. Lures women into his orbit by several means, often involving a “punani trimming camp”, “shower camp” (ladies only of course) or other “Goddess-servicing” camp. Tells you you have an old soul. Likes to offer shoulder massage or g-spot massage to release your Inner Goddess.

• The Overly Spiritual Burner: Can be easily identified as the person who never laughs at your jokes. Thinks Burning Man should be like Easter mass: solemn and incomprehensible. Just drop them off at the temple while you hop a totally undignified art-car to the upside-down-on-a-pole-in-a-wet-t-shirt drinking contest at Pinky’s.

• The Overprepared Neighbor: Forgot your can opener? Your toenail clippers? Your corkscrew? Here you go! No, you can keep it; I brought twenty.

• The Person Who’s Having Way More Fun than They Seem to Be: Often the oldest person in their camp. Has had a hard life. You have trouble catching their name. You’ll worry because they just sit at the end of the bar the whole time, drinking from a flask. but when you catch their eye they give you a giant shit-eating grin.

• The Perv: All their clothing is shiny and/or crotchless. They brought a “bag of tricks.” For most of the week you don’t know where they are; that’s because they’re next door, having earth-shaking sex with your dumpy middle-aged neighbors. If this person invites you to a party they heard about, FOR GOD’S SAKE GO!

• The Philosopher: Prefers shots to cocktails. Often fails to notice hot nudity that’s right next to them. Has rough mornings. Loses their voice.

• Playa Barbie: Furry leggings, sparkly hot pants, furry bikini top, fake dreads, goggles perched on head. Often high or drunk, they travel in packs. They appear underfed but never actually seem to eat — ecstasy totally like omg doesn’t make me hungry at all!

• The Raver: Wakes up at sunset. Measures fun in decibels. Runs out of drugs.

• The Seagull: That filthy kid stumbling around asking for water/food/drugs. Can also sometimes be discovered digging through your cooler if you leave it visible. Occasionally found passed out in your tent if your tent is near a road (true story – a campmate found one of these in his tent one year). Probably got into BRC via a “I Need a Miracle” sign and a gifted ticket.

• The Shell-breaker: who would have thought boring old Doug from work can sing like Barry White and do beer bongs like Bender?

• The Sparkle-pony: No camp is complete without some of these. Well costumed, and fun but offer not much in the way of usefulness as Sparkle Ponies. They hug, but don’t do dishes, nap during dome setup or offer sunscreen but not help tear down. They’re a bit like furniture you might get a chance to fuck.

• The Weekender: Arrives on Friday in an RV that’s more luxurious than your apartment. Doesn’t want to meet their neighbors. Doesn’t pack out their trash.

• The Wrecking Ball: Spills drinks, knocks over barstools, falls off of tables, rides their bike into support ropes and is humorously flung backwards, wanders off with the bong, invites thieves over, gets hurt, gets tickets. Can always lay their hands on a megaphone.

• The Yahoo: Says woo. Picks fights. Is a dick.

• Your Dream-girl/guy/both/other: Your perfect soul-mate. You’ll spend the most wonderful night of your life with this person. Then you’ll find out they’re married.